Uninformed TV Show Reviews #1: Don't Trust the B---- in Apt. 23

Television shows typically don't last too long these says, as with the sheer amount of shows that debut each year only a few typically get to make a second season. I am, personally, a big fan of shows that only ever lasted one season, but sometimes I need to bite the bullet and watch a TV show that lasted longer than one season. 

After watching three episodes of this show last night, I feel that I am sufficiently informed to comment on this exciting new(-ish) TV show: Don't Trust the B---- in Apt. 23. 

My first question is this: Why is bitch censored in the title? This is probably everybody's first question, but I think it's a legit point. It's 2012, and we're not allowed to put incredibly minor swear words in out television show titles? I don't know, it really irks me. And if you can't say bitch, then don't put it in the title! Change the name to something else! I'm docking points right from the start here.  -10 points

The series begins with June moving to New York from somewhere. She has an exciting new job in... business and a sweet NYC apartment to go along with it. You see, the only important thing for everyone is to move to New York and make your life as much like Friends as possible. -5 points for setting it in a city that has been used so many times before. If you must set your show in the US, why not Pittsburgh? I don't know, I always had a soft spot for Pittsburgh.

But it all goes wrong for June, as her company has been closed down for corruption or something, and she now has no job or apartment (for some zany reason that only ever happens in TV shows). Stuck out in New York with no job or place to live, she decides to turn to Craigslist and find a roommate. 

We get a hilarious montage of all the zany roommates that June could choose to live with (and, personally, I'd take the fat guy. He seemed entertaining), but eventually she decides to live with Chloe. This is unsurprising, as this characters face is all over the promos and whatnot. However, it turns out that not all is as at seems, as even though Chloe seems like a very nice girl, it turns out that she is really a BITCH WHO LIVES IN APARTMENT 23!

Oh, and there is also this woman who lives next door who is in love with Chloe or something. -3 points for being unable to feature an asian woman in a sitcom who is neither extremely bitter/sarcastic nor a total weirdo. Sorry, thems the breaks.

Anyway, it turns out that June lives in a world or lovable lunatics. Like every sitcom ever. There's the guy next door who watches them do stuff! Apparently he's a pervert or something, but he's too over the top to be realistic or entertaining. True perverts should be subtle. -5 points for being to OTT.

Okay, now here's another pet peeve. Why is there blurring? On a parody documentary show blurring makes sense, particularly if it's really over done (like the huge blue circle in Arrested Development), but on a regular sitcom it sort of undoes the pace. I don't know, I prefer fancy camera angles or well positioned flowers and whatnot. -10 points because I don't like the blurring (and it's not just because I'd like to see whats-her-faces nipples).

Oh, and it turns out that James Van Der Beek is in this show, playing HIMSELF! I don't actually know who James Van Der Beek is, but it turns out that he was on Dawson's Creek, a show that is a little old for me. Now, has the whole 'celebrities playing an exaggerated version of themselves' thing been overdone? It was good in Extras, but I'm not sure if we need it anymore. It's just a lazy attempt to make your show seem cool or edgy. -8 points

It turns out that Chloe's goal is to make June want to move out after taking her rent in advance. She does this by inviting her to foursomes and giving her masturbation tips. But June gets revenge on Chloe by selling all of her possessions. Yep, that's definitely a fair trade.

Some other crap happens, but I'm going to skip past it.

June is engaged (which I probably should've mentioned earlier) to a guy whose name I forget and is ultimately unimportant. I think he's a teacher or something, and he has a kid who follows him around and some other helper woman. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention. Chloe gets the kid drunk and it is revealed that June's fiance is having an affair with the helper woman, the helper woman's sister and some other women as well. It's just like a soap opera.

In order to prove to June that her fiancee is cheating on her, she seduces the fiancee and they are about to have sex before June walks in. There's yelling and stuff and someone throws a lamp. June and Chloe have a heart to heart and we are set up for many more episodes of comedy with these two ladies.

Also, +2 points because I liked the multiple mistresses thing, +2 points because I like the slow kid with the glasses, but -5 points because the end scene was stupid and cheesy. And -5 points because I can't figure out Chloe's motivations.





MISC. THOUGHTS OF EPISODES TWO AND THREE

June has a life plan that includes being married by 26 and having two children, named Mary and Chris. Life plans NEVER work, you always end up disappointed. I think the straight man being a bit neurotic and being devoted to family is a bit overdone, personally. She's like a female Jason Bateman. -2 points

Chloe sets June up on a date with her father. I'll be honest, I liked that little twist. +3 points

James Van Der Beek runs his own acting workshop, but can't detach from being Dawson. The whole 'celebrity hates being known as that one character' thing is a little tired, but the JVDB subplots are usually the funniest bits of the episode, so I can't hate it too much. -3 points for being overused, but +5 points for being used well.

June works at a coffee shop with a guy who I have yet to mention. Good on him.

June is one of those sitcom characters who doesn't have sex for ages or uses euphemisms for genitalia and whatnot. Again, these characters are used too frequently and she isn't taken in any directions or whatever. Booooooring. -5 points

Chloe pushes her dad into a cyclist. I know I skipped ahead a lot, whatever. You don't want me to spoil everything, do you?

Chloe works for the UN or something. I liked the Tagalog reference. +1 point





Chloe adopts a child to be her assistant. Child labour laws be damned!

There's a bunch of story that is theme based, about June taking on too much responsibility and Chloe not taking on enough. I'm not sure what the moral is, but I'm that the characters will all quickly forget it in order for more hijinks to be raised next episode.

I actually like the assistant girl. I'm going to dock points for not including her as a main cast member. -10 points

Other stuff happens too, and James Van Der Beek is still the best character. +5 points for his scenes in episode 3. 

So, that's it for my DTTBIA23 review. It managed to gain a handsome negative 53 points. That sounds bad, but the aim is really to lose as few points as possible. If I do anymore of these, we'll see how this show adds up. But overall I liked it. It's pretty formulaic and it doesn't really add anything new but it follows the guidelines pretty well. It's never going to be a classic but I didn't feel like I'd wasted time after watching it.

See ya.





The 15 best David Bowie songs of all time

David Bowie is one of the best songwriters and singers in the history of the world, and before you ask, no, I'm not one of those people who thinks that 'music died in 1989' or whatever. Great music has come out at a fairly even rate for the past 50 years or whatever. But this is not about those bands, this is about one man, and that man is David Bowie.

So in honour of this man, I will now shove his entire life's work into a short blog post ranking his musical abilities. You're welcome, Dave.

NO. 15

AFRICAN NIGHT FLIGHT

Bowie is known for three things. Dressing like a woman, having weird eyes and naming his son Zowie Bowie. But a fourth fact you may not know about him is that his music got weirder when he got OFF drugs. Seriously, the Berlin Trilogy (even though I'd put Lodger more with his 80s work) is some of his most bizarre stuff and he was totally clean. Well, except for a daily dose of vitamin Eno.

NO. 14

MODERN LOVE

I feel like I'll probably regret putting this one so low, but you know what? Life is full of regrets. But Bowie doesn't regret anything. He lives his life the way he wants it, and he wants us all to love each other. He likes partying, paperboys and rain. And long walks on the beach. But he fucking HATES that bitch Angie. If that Rolling Stones song is actually about her, I'll kill myself.

NO. 13

MOVE ON

Yep, two Lodger songs already. But that's it for Lodger. Yep, sorry, DJ, Boys Keep Swinging and Red Sails will not be appearing on this list. But Move On is. And it's a good song. With lyrics like these:

Sometimes I feel the need to move on
So I pack a bag, move on

How could I not put it on the list? Okay, he might've been half assing the lyrics, but the rest is good. Actually, his singing sounds a little off too. Hmm, this list is shaping up poorly.

NO. 12

SENSE OF DOUBT

Oh no, ambient music! But this is good ambient music. It's pretty German sounding, so it fits right into the Berlin trilogy. While I'm sure that Eno probably had a pretty big hand in how this song sounds, Bowie must be credited for trying something new and evolving. Bowie has done what many artists have not, and that is reinventing himself when necessary. And this is a good reinvention, and I think it actually matches the cover art quite well. But why is the last track The Secret Life of Arabia? What a shit ending.

NO. 11

QUEEN BITCH

Me and one of my friends were pretty into Bowie for a time, and he learned how to play a few Bowie songs on guitar, and this was one of the few tracks that he could play and I could also sing. We made for quite a duet.

NO. 10

ASHES TO ASHES

Congratulations D. Bowie for having not one but two time travel television shows named after your songs! On that same point, can I mention how much I don't like the song Life on Mars. SPOILER ALERT, Life on Mars is not appearing on this list. And neither is Starman. God those two songs are overrated.

NO. 9

MOONAGE DAYDREAM

I love when Bowie played this track live, because it, along with Width of a Circle, was his COSTUME CHANGE track. Mick Ronson would start ripping into an epic guitar solo while Bowie would walk off stage and get changed into his new outfit. There wasn't even like a puff of smoke or anything, he just walked into the background.

NO. 8

BIG BROTHER

Bowie was apparently pretty into Orwell when he was writing Diamond Dogs, as the last three tracks would suggest. I'm not really sure what the rest of the album is on about, and while I'm sure some would make it out as if it was meant to be 'an album in two parts' or something, I get the feeling that Bowie got into 1984 right near the end of it and just slapped these three songs on at the end. Included in the video is Chant of the Ever Circling Skeletal Family, as I think it and Big Brother go together nicely.

NO. 7

SUBTERRANEANS

I'm a fan of Bowie's ambient work, I think he's pretty good at it (even if it was probably mostly Eno). This track is really great, it's haunting and beautiful. I love the reversed bass, the sax, the meaningless words; they all combine to make a song with so much atmosphere and presense. Fuck me, I'm starting to sound like Pitchfork.

NO. 6

ZIGGY STARDUST

Bowie loved creating little alter egos for himself. My favourite was the Thin White Duke. Despite lasting for, like, two months and probably being the result of some cocaine bender, it was pretty classy. Ziggy Stardust is his best known creation, and the popularity of Ziggy may have haunted Bowie as he tried to pull away from Glam Rock, meaning that many Bowie fans don't care about Bowie after 74 or so. *tear*

NO. 5

MY DEATH

Even though this is just a cover, it is Bowie's performance that truly rockets this song up to greatness. I love all the extra verses he adds in. Pile of leaves, what?

NO. 4

CANDIDATE

Candidate is the second part of the musical trilogy of Sweet Thing/Candidate/Sweet Thing (reprise). I think this adds credence to my theory that Diamond Dogs is just a big muddle of different ideas and that Bowie couldn't decide on a theme. It's a good album but it definitely feels like a bit of a clusterfuck.

I actually first heard this song as a cover by this gret band called Dramarama. I had no idea that this was a Bowie song, and when I first heard the Bowie version (not knowing that I was actually familiar with it) I cried tears of blood (good ones). That particular Dramarama album (Cinema Verite) also contains a cover of Femme Fatale by the Velvet Underground. Dramarama's version sucks, but I haven't heard the VU version, so that might suck as well.

NO. 3

THE BEWLAY BROTHERS

Who are the Bewlay Brothers? No, seriously, who are they? I should probably do my research before writing this, but I wanted the facts to be from memory, and not spewed from Wikipedia. Whoever they are, this is a good song, and it's a good way to wrap up Hunky Dory, and album with a lot of songs that just didn't quite make the cut on this list.

NO. 2

BLACKOUT

This is a definite contender for best Bowie song, I'm serious. I've never heard much about this song from others, but I think it's great. It has a lot of energy and I love the guitar in it. Bowie's voice sounds a little autotuned though. GET ME OFF THE STREEUUEETS!

NO. 1

BE MY WIFE

Oh... Be My Wife. I fell in love with this song the moment I heard it. It's brilliant. The guitar in the verses, that piano hook, the apathy that Bowie sings with, it all comes together. I can't really explain too well why I love it, but when I hear it, I know why I do. I love this one particular live version of it, he sings the chorus differently than I've ever heard it. Be-huh-hee my wife.

This song is spoiled a little by the background of it, that he wrote it for that bitch Angie. He should've saved this song for Iman, but by that stage he was into more synth 80s pop shit so he would've fucked this song up. Maybe we shouldn't mess with history, you change one thing, you change them all!

Also, what Bowie is wearing in the video is my person's outfit in Minecraft. Tee hee.

=END OF LIST=

So, that's it. What'd you think? Too much of the Berlin Trilogy? As a special reward, here's the list of the songs that didn't quite make the cut:

Soul Love

Andy Warhol

Space Oddity

John, I'm Only Dancing

Oh, You Pretty Things

I Would Be Your Slave

Red Sails

Fill Your Heart

Hang onto Yourself

A New Career in a New Town

Lady Stardust

Next time I might make a top Dead Milkmen song list. That one will probably be a long one though, since I have so many favourites by them. We'll see.

Have a good new year!

THE MORE YOU KNOW

Apparently this site is on StumbleUpon! If you managed to land on this site via StumbleUpon I sincerely apologise. Please continue searching, maybe the next site will feature cute pictures of cats with their heads stuck in things.

Seriously though, who uses Blogspot anymore? I use many exciting sites, some of which you can find here:

My Tumblr (Warning: mostly reblogged pictures)
My last.fm  (See what music I listen to! Riveting, I know)
My Twitter (Warning: extremely dull)
My Youtube (No Videos, just my favourites. In case you're stalking me, here's the full picture)

And that, as they say, is that.

Why Australia is awesome

Welcome friends from all over the world. We all come from different walks of life, but we all have one thing in common. So today, I have a special message for all of my friends in the United States:
WHY ARE YOU STILL HAVING THE GUN CONTROL DEBATE?!

Every other civilised nation on Earth got over that debate years ago, and you know which way it ended up? Here's a clue, it's not in the direction that involves putting armed fucking security guards in primary schools, so that the 7 year olds can awkwardly walk past Mr. Nice Man and his giant fucking assault rifle on his way out of the classroom. And no, it also isn't in the direction that leads to one being able to buy guns from the supermarket along with your milk, eggs and bread. 

Here's why I cannot take the anti-gun control freaks seriously:

• Firstly, the same people who love guns are also the same people who love Jesus, hate universal health care and oppose gay marriage. i.e., irrational, self-absorbed lunatics.
• Secondly, they also love conspiracy theories. Gun control is always some plot by the media, or Hollywood, or the government, or the Freemasons, or the Illuminati, or the lizard people or whoever. This allows them to ignore arguments in favour of gun control and instead ride on their little persecution horse (which Christians also love to do, so it does not surprise me that there is some overlap here). There is also the insane paranoia, as there people seem to believe that once they lose their guns the government will start being able to ignore democracy or the constitution or whatever BS.
• The fact that every other country with gun control has not descended into the pits of murder and government dictatorships that the pro gun lobby would make you think by their horror stories. Seriously, I live in Australia where nobody has a gun, and you know what? It's lovely. There are very few gun deaths, no large shootings since we increased gun laws and I don't walk around in fear of gunmen attacking our schools without having armed guards policing it (why would you need guards in a school, anyway? Maybe in America's fucked up schools, but over here our schools are schools, not prisons).
  

I may have more to say on this later, the next time there is a large shooting in America due to no changes being made to the gun laws. That'll probably be in a month or so, right? Seems on time.

Hey, maybe this will descend into some sort of political blog. Wouldn't that be totally radical!?

Peace.

It's Christmastime Motherfucka

Do you know what time of year it is?


...

Yes! It's conspiracy theory time! We all know that, around the end of the year, the doomsday predictions come thick and fast. And this year, what with the Mayan calendar (a reliable source of information) ending, you cannot stop the doom! Some observations:

• Any time that someone uses the phrase 'mainstream media', they can be immediately discredited as a paranoid lunatic. Yes, we get it, the mainstream media won't give any airtime to your ridiculous theory. You are not being persecuted and the media is not being controlled by the Illuminati or some shit.
• On the media, why do people actually care about what the Westboro Baptist Church do? Oh, a small fringe group think that gay people should die. Um... who cares? There are like two dozen of these lunatics. I am not fazed by anything that they do, other than maybe some degree of detached amusement. And the people who say that if a god existed he/she/it wouldn't support what the WBC do, where does this come from? Who says that gods have to be just or good?
• And on that note, the shootings in the US last week are not because there is no more forced prayer in schools. Please provide some evidence that this causation (not just a correlation, even if there was one) exists. And anyway, how does this work? Does God send people to shoot up schools that don't force the children to worship him or does he just not stop prospective shooters? Certainly puts into question the Christian notion of free will.

Is there really any actual war on Christmas? I celebrate Christmas. And what does Christmas mean to me? I get to spend time with my family, exchange gifts, eat good food and just relax. It is a nice way to end the year and put whatever happened into perspective while we gear up for the next year. If Christmas didn't exist, we would invent a holiday like it (which we did before Christmas existed, anyway). Christmas is essentially a secular holiday now, anyway, it's really just the name that Christians cling to. And just because we use a name, that doesn't mean that any extra meaning behind that name must always stick with it? The names of the days of the week, anyone?

While I'm on the topic of religion, I was talking to a friend the other day and he was interested in buying some bibles and whatnot and studying up on Christianity (and other religions) in order to be prepared if he ever fell into a discussion with a Christian. Now, do we have an obligation to be familiar with Christianity before dismissing it? I don't think so, as there are many things that we don't believe without needing an understanding of the topic; for example, for the religious, the vast majority aren't familiar with every other religion on the planet, does that mean they are not justified in believing there's exclusively? Of course not. I'm familiar with almost ever pro-religion argument there is, I don't need to be intimate with the bible to know that it is bollocks. If there was real truth to it, then wouldn't it be indisputable that a god exists? Why else does almost everyone credible dispute the validity of the bible?

I cut myself shaving 4 hours ago, why am I still fucking bleeding? Maybe I'll just put a bandaid on my face. And then tape my broken glasses together.

Let's move on, shall we?

It is Christmas, and because of that, I have bought gifts! Luckily, my family are very predictable, and I can thus get them similar gifts each year. Dad gets a book on lighthouses, Mum gets candles and Steph gets a kitten desk calendar. So easy. Feel the love.


So, that's about it. Dangas is having a 20th birthday party tomorrow night which I'm going to, I'm not sure how many other people are going to turn up... It may just be Dangas, his girlfriend and myself. Or maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised. It's an hour long trip on the train so it had better be worth it. Daniel also fancies himself as an amateur bartender, so for his birthday I bought him a book on bartending, it comes with over 1500 drink recipes! He's actually getting pretty good at it, he has all the equipment and stuff. He has certainly come a long way from the days of all his drinks consisting of whatever we could scavenge from around Oliver's dad's house (read: milk and and vodka, iced tea and vodka, cordial and vodka... you get the idea).

This is his drinks cabinet. It fucking glows and changes colour.

Here's a fun drinking story. The first time I ever got drunk was at a 2010/11 new years party (I know, but drinking as a teenager KILLS BRAIN CELLS. Or something. I didn't start drinking until way past everyone else had, and well after my friend's mother had a 'wardrobe malfunction'. So I started drinking vodka straight out of the bottle (ooh, tough guy, huh?) and it turns out that drunk me is pretty similar to sober me, but dizzier and about 10% more extreme. My friend's 'Uncle' Mark (the responsible adult, who looked like a member of the Rolling Stones) took us around the streets as we rang people's doorbells then ran away, which may have been the first time anyone did that since a Dennis the fucking Menace cartoon in the 50s. We got back home and we were chilling in the lounge when it turned out I needed to throw up. I shambled over to the door, as we were warned not to throw up on the carpet. I struggled opening the door but luckily managed to open it just in time as I preceded to puke on the pavement just outside the door. No, I couldn't be bothered walking 10 feet to the bushes, the pavement was fine. I came back in but left shortly to go throw up again, where I got a nice pep talk from Uncle Mark about... something, I don't remember. I'm sure it was heartfelt. Uncle Mark then let me sleep outside on a pool chair, being covered by a small towel, where I preceded to get stung by mosquitoes about 100 times in the night. Responsible. Luckily I was not hungover, but had the taste of vodka in my mouth for the next 24 hours. And Uncle Mark had an asthma attack the next morning and had to go hospital.


Hmm, that story was actually really boring. Oh yeah, it was a toga party too. I wore a horrible, massive sheet. You had to have been there. I don't have many other drinking stories, one time I got set on fire and it made a hole in my work pants, that was it though. I have some stories of some of my other lunatic friends, but I'll save them for another time (I'll probably have to change the names too in those ones).

Peace.